MOMoirs

(Originally written and published on December 29, 2011) 

Mommy's thoughts on your 1st year

Dear Pio,

In between lyrics and pretty choruses of your lullaby play-list, I write words of happiness. Flashes of our first meeting exactly a year ago (December 29, 2010. 2:00 PM) play out in my head. I remember your tiny fingers and your sleepy-blinky eyes. Bringing you into this world is a defining moment of the best days to come. I hope when you grow up and read this my son, you will still carelessly hug and kiss mommy me every time.

I am writing to thank you for several reasons.

Thank you for teaching me the value of the tiniest things. For one, I learned not to ignore our warm bed, when you, dad and I are together with nothing to do at all. I learned there is so much about the stillness, the closeness and the simplicity of just being completely together with no plans at all. And your cutest baby gestures, how can I ever forget them-- chewing on your chubby toes for entertainment, chanting undecipherable sounds, pulling up that deep, curved smile and showing your vexed, furrowed brow frown- all of these make you so unique. Now, I know I will forever long for a crying infant who needs to be danced to sleep late into the night, or for a fussy-grumpy little kid who needs forever before wanting to go to bed. One day I will long for the high-pitched shout and the little boy's laughter in my ears or for the weight of your tiny body while you sleep in my arms. Most of all, I will miss the the long moments I spend breathing in the heavenly scent of your freshly washed head, my frequent form of relaxation. Tell me, how can I save this forever? I will look back on these moments with such fondness. For these days, I am truly living.

Thank you son for teaching me how to let loose a little. Still, you give me goosebumps when you unmindfully raise your head while you are under our wooden table. You see no boundaries my little boy. In our bed, in your crib, on the floor. Your adventurous spirit is something I won't control but mommy will always try to reel you in, pull you back and keep you between the lines  to keep you safe. I guess, I have yet to learn how to let go of being overly protective of you. That's mom's personal hang up actually. I am always scared when it comes to your safety. And as a parent, I give in  and often allow myself to be enveloped in the vulnerability of loving you hugely. The same love however, forces me to buck up, give out all my courage and stay focused so that I can care for you as best as possible. While mommy still tiptoes the boundary between letting you follow your heart and protecting you from dangers you are still unaware, your dad is doing the balancing act of unbuckling you from our grasp and just watch you go and explore. You.are.so.like.him.

Lastly, thank you for teaching me to slow down. You know how smitten mom is with every slight move and development you make. I guess its just human nature to look towards the future - to imagine all the fun that comes with the next milestone you will reach… but looking back on the 12 months since you were born, I am shocked at how fast my tiny baby has been replaced with a little boy. I often study pictures of you when you were an infant. I look at those deep thigh rolls that are now slowly disappearing - at your small limbs and hands that are now stretching up and out. I can’t believe how quickly your infancy has passed! Now mommy decides not to be in a hurry for anything and just enjoy the stage you are in  right.at.this.moment. After all, you, (as all kids do) will roll over (check), sit up (check), hold your own bottle (check), crawl (check), and cruise (check), and walk and run eventually (we will get there!). All of them - each will do it on their own schedule - but they all get there. 

You see baby, you give so much joy more than my heart can possibly imagine. You have changed the path of mom and dad's lives in the most beautiful way. We will never get tired of the rough and tumble- always jumping - squawking- laughing- people charmer that you are. As always my dear boy, living these moments with you is a privilege.

Happy birthday!

Love,

Mommy